But in a really nice, likeable way… — For once, this is not about me issuing unsolicited and profanity-laden advice. I am officially less than a month away from my first half marathon and losing my mind with the person I registered with. I love the idea of doing a half marathon and challenging myself, and I love…

…Because clearly, I hate myself. What sort of colossal dipshit would choose November, the month dedicated to overeating, to challenge themselves physically? Oh that’s right. My dad and I would. If competition, clever insults, and shin splints were classified as typical family shenanigans, ours would be the perfect case study…

I’m Sick of Seeing Your Heads in my Kitchen — Dear Fuckface, First things first: please put on pants! Secondly: if you go anywhere near my food while in your birthday suit, I reserve the right to castrate you. You are not my boyfriend, you aren’t even anyone I’m seeing. You are the latest in a long string of poor…

To My Friends: When Have I Been Wrong? Like Actually? — It isn’t enough that some people are constantly coming to you and asking for advice regarding their problems, their relationships, and their problems with their relationships. They have to take it a step further and ignore the advice that you gave them for an entirely avoidable and fixable problem. It…

And me…the one that’s judging you all. — The Woman Rep: Constantly talks about the fact that she’s a woman in a male-dominated industry… conveniently forgets that every industry is male-dominated. Highly ambitious and surprisingly helpful, but hard to decide if she’s actually likable or not. Clearly majored in steering conversations with or about other people to be…

In Defense of Hoarding — Even for someone who wisely hasn’t spoken to her own in years, mothers can continue to fuck with our lives from afar. Recently, being reminded of maternal toxicity, I decided to tell another “funny” motherhood story. …

Alternatively titled “the Whine Guy” — Intellectually, I realize that toxic masculinity is a major problem faced by the world today. With that being said, as with most dark and terrible things in the world, toxic masculinity can be so stupid it is ridiculously funny. Any girl who knows anything about guys knows that they’re completely…

It’s Time to Bring Back the MySpace Top 8 — I’ve spent my whole adolescent and adult life trying to prove myself worthy or valuable to the people in my life. I don’t know if it’s because that’s the only way my mother viewed me, or if it’s to prove to myself that I have a higher return on investment…

My Advice for Having Your Mental Breakdown — We’ve all been in a scenario where we feel the need to just let out all the negative energy that usually points inward and causes us to self-destruct. I’ve been told by my tarot card reading friend that this is due to planetary alignment and obviously, she’s right. It’s the…