The Ultimate Drinking Game for Any Company Wide Video Call
Microsoft Teams, Zoom, Google Meets…This Will Work for All
I should not need to include this disclaimer anymore, but I want everyone to know that this comes from my actual, genuine, awful corporate life. I chose to save this list for the monthly calls intentionally scheduled after noon on a Friday because that is a terrible time for a monthly update meeting, even if (like me) you are based on the West Coast. To my brethren on the East Coast, I can only apologize on behalf of the management team for scheduling an all-hands call for your 3 to 4:30 pm window one Friday a month. Apparently, according to them, you can go fuck yourselves.
In my professional alcoholic opinion, I would recommend something light, like a tequila/vodka soda or a fancy martini, since anyone with half a brain will have their cameras turned off. Although I have invented a fantastic chai latte version of an espresso martini… feel free to ask for the recipe! You are welcome.
Onto the game! Shout out to my favorite rep, who does not know about this post or blog but who has spent time with me developing this game on each of these fruitless calls.
Take a drink every time one of the lesser sales reps asks an irrelevant question. I hate to break it to you, but those only existed in college when you wanted participation points for someone else’s presentation. Stop asking about internal quotas when a manufacturer is on the line.
Take a drink every time one of the sales reps gives themselves a question/brag like, “Excuse me, but if we just got an order for $14k in consumables, hypothetically, does that go towards the quarterly incentive program, or is that just logged in our quota? Only asking in case anyone else had a similar sale recently… oh you haven’t? Just me? Oh well, you might!”
Take a drink every time that rep that you hate asks to have his face on trade show swag… take a shot if the marketing team bemusedly points out that he already has his face on a truck, therefore it would be unnecessary to have his face on a pair of socks.
- And no, you can’t have your face on a billboard either. However, you do have your face on a dart board! Bet you didn’t know that!
Take a drink every time the other rep that you hate tries to compliment herself because not enough of the C-suiters are doing it for her. Take another if you get more than two side chats clocking that same self-endorsement. Take a third gulp to keep yourself from bringing her back down to where she belongs.
Take a drink for every meme the graphic designer puts in the side group chat, referencing some ridiculous moment in the company call. For example, when one of the sales reps compares himself to a green beret or a navy seal just for reaching out to the manufacturer instead of farming that out to customer service. My brother, that is your job. Try your level best to refrain from asking how said designer is so quick to photoshop a person’s face onto a sea lion when it takes her weeks to make one landing page for a vendor site.
Take a drink for every weird-ass work-from-home outfit. I am not advocating for a full face of makeup and a blazer. Again, this is a Friday afternoon in a remote setting, but try your hardest not to look like Thing 1 or Thing 2.
- Take a shot for every snuggie that you see on your screen.
Take a drink for every time someone is caught in a hot mic moment. This counts for someone talking or for someone taking the Teams call in a public area and conveniently forgetting that the computer audio will pick up all the generalized chatter of whatever coffee shop they’re in. If you can hear the barista announce that there is no more oat milk available, then so can we. This is not new technology. It’s been five years now.
- Finish your drink if it’s your hot mic moment.
- Finish the bottle if it’s your snarky and bitchy tone that gets caught on the microphone…
- Finish your resume if everyone brings it up again for the rest of the call.
Take a drink every time someone turns their previously off camera back on just for the explicit purpose of showing that they agree with whatever imagined grievance someone else is describing. You know the face. The pursed lips, squinty eye, slow nod face that manages to be condescending even without audio.
Take a drink for every five minutes the meeting goes over the hour allotted. Need I re-remind everyone that we could be closing sales right now?
Finish your drink because it’s technically happy hour now and you could have (and should have) spent the last ninety minutes getting your inbox cleared before the weekend instead of dealing with the meaningless corporate drivel that runs your life. Take comfort in the small victory that is remote work life and remind yourself that even if offices come with social activity, working from home prevents DUIs.
I promise this makes it seem like I hate everyone in my company. I do not hate anyone in my company. I just violently dislike most of them.
Feel free to let me know your name suggestions for this game, and add in your terrible Teams or Zoom chat stories. Maybe my next post will be about my hot mic moment that the CEO of the company called me out for. Just kidding, my next post is about dogs.
